In a recent meeting, my client was working on how to handle a particular situation with another individual. It got me to thinking about relationships and encounters, in general. Why do some work and others don’t?
We were watching a movie last night that involved sailing on the high seas. Pirates, eye patches, walking the plank… you know. It dawned on me that our meetings and encounters are much like a spy glass.
Looking through a spy glass allows you to connect. It pulls things in the distance closer, but it is still a wide view. ‘Hey, look at that island up ahead.’
But, if you turn it around and look through the big end, the view narrows. It becomes a tiny diameter allowing one to inspect. To be in focus, you have to be looking at something pretty close. ‘Hey, did you know that you have a freckle on your nose?’
The end of the spy glass you choose to look through shapes your relationships and encounters. What’s the intent? Connect or inspect?
Think about your closest relationship, a spouse, friend, colleague, or parent. Think about your conversations and your interactions with that person. When do they happen? What do you talk about? What do you take away from the encounter?
While you may uncover other qualities, see if you identify with any of these.
- We connect when something good happens, we need support, we have to make big decisions or talk things out.
- Lots of intent listening happens on both sides and it’s not for information only. We hear message but also read between the lines. There’s genuine concern for each other’s welfare.
- We both leave the conversation learning something and in a better place than the start. We are lighter in mind and spirit and more confident to move forward.
These are “who” meetings. It’s a wide view. The focus is on the other person, the whole person. It is where we connect. It’s not about what we’re doing but more about being together.
Now, think about a relationship that is challenging. What about your interactions here? When do they happen? What do you talk about? What do you take away from the encounter?
Here, I find meetings are most often planned. Because the encounters are not all that life-giving, limiting may be a better course of action. They center around a task, work, problem, or conflict. Here the focus is on “stuff” and who is doing what. Each inspects a particular action or outcome. Often, communications are one-sided. A check-in on progress, status of action steps, or results are the typical focus. In the case of conflict, it may include admonishment or emotion. More telling than listening happens here.
These are “what” meetings. Their purpose is to inspect. They center on the things people do or don’t do. It’s about “doing.”
As a work, family, or community leader, both the “who” and the “what” meetings are important. Each has a place and time. There needs to be a balance. One without the other leaves the parties lacking.
CONCLUSION: Connect meetings provide an opportunity for vision and development. It’s being better together. Inspect meetings provide opportunities to focus, coordinate, update, troubleshoot and gain traction. It ensures forward movement.
Take the following steps to make the most of your encounters.