There’s a moment in coaching that I know well.
Someone is working through a problem.
As they’re talking, I can see a possible answer.
Sometimes I can see three.
And everything in me wants to help.
- “Have you thought about…?”
- “What if you tried…?”
- “Here’s what I’ve seen work…”
All perfectly reasonable responses.
And sometimes exactly the wrong ones.
Because the moment I become more interested in my answer than their thinking, I’ve stopped coaching.
I’ve started solving.
So instead, I try to get curious.
“Say more about that.”
It’s remarkable what can happen next.
The Advice Trap
Most leaders don’t jump in because they’re trying to control people.
We jump in because we want to help.
Someone brings us a problem. We have experience. We know something that might work. Why make them struggle when we can save them the trouble?
There’s also a practical reality.
Giving someone the answer is often faster.
At least today.
But there can be a hidden cost.
When I solve the problem for you, we’ve solved one problem.
When I help you think through the problem, we’re developing your ability to solve the next one.
That’s a very different return on our time.
This is one of the leadership shifts I’ve been exploring throughout this series.
First, we let go of the belief that leaders need to have all the answers.
Then, we begin looking for the potential in the people around us.
Curiosity is how we make room for that potential to emerge.
Not All Questions Are Curious
Here’s where it gets tricky.
Just because there’s a question mark at the end of a sentence doesn’t make it a curious question.
- “Have you tried calling the client?”
- “Don’t you think you should talk to your team?”
- “Why didn’t you ask for help?”
Technically, they’re questions.
But there’s usually an answer hiding inside each one.
I call that advice with a question mark.
We’re not really asking what someone thinks.
We’re gently—or perhaps not so gently—trying to get them to arrive at what we think.
Compare that with:
- “What have you considered?”
- “What do you think needs to happen?”
- “What was happening for you in that moment?”
Now I don’t know what you’re going to say.
That’s curiosity.
It requires me to give up control of where the conversation goes.
And that can be uncomfortable.
What Genuine Curiosity Sounds Like
Curiosity isn’t about having a giant list of brilliant coaching questions tucked in your desk drawer.
Although I admit, I love a good question.
It’s about being genuinely interested in something you don’t already know.
- What are they seeing?
- What are they assuming?
- What’s important to them?
- What aren’t they saying?
- What possibility haven’t either of you considered yet?
Sometimes the simplest questions are the most powerful:
Say more about that.
What matters most about this?
What are you noticing?
What else?
Then listen.
Not while preparing your response.
Not while deciding whether they’re right.
Not while mentally composing the five things you’d like them to do next.
Just listen.
That may be the harder leadership skill.
Get Curious About More Than the Action
When we’re trying to solve a problem, we naturally gravitate toward action.
“What are you going to do?”
It’s an important question.
But behavior is only part of the story.
In my coaching work, I often explore three dimensions of what’s happening:
What are you thinking?
What assumptions, interpretations, or stories are shaping the situation?
What are you feeling?
What emotions are present, and what might they be telling you?
What are you doing?
How are those thoughts and feelings showing up in your choices and actions?
Sometimes the action someone needs to take becomes obvious only after we’ve explored what’s underneath it.
A leader who jumps immediately to “What are you going to do?” may solve the surface problem.
A leader who gets curious about the whole person may help uncover what’s actually driving it.
That’s the difference between directing behavior and developing awareness.
Curiosity Before Judgment
There’s another reason curiosity matters.
Our brains are remarkably fast at filling in blanks.
Someone misses a deadline…They’re unreliable.
Someone gets defensive in a meeting…They don’t take feedback well.
Someone doesn’t volunteer for the new assignment…They’re not ambitious.
Maybe.
Or maybe there’s something we don’t know.
Curiosity creates a small but incredibly important space between what happened and what we’ve decided it means.
- Instead of: “What’s wrong with them?” We can ask: “What’s going on?”
- Instead of: “Why won’t they take ownership?” We can wonder: “What might be getting in the way?”
Instead of judgment, curiosity gives us another data point.
Sometimes it confirms our original conclusion.
Sometimes it completely changes it.
Either way, we’ve made a better leadership decision because we took the time to understand before deciding.
The Power of the Pause
Then comes perhaps the hardest part.
Silence.
You ask a good question.
The other person stops talking.
Three seconds pass…It feels like seventeen minutes.
So you rescue them.
“Well, what I was thinking was…”
And just like that, we’ve taken the thinking back.
I’ve learned that some of the best answers come after the first answer.
That’s why one of my favorite follow-up questions is simply:
“What else?”
And then I wait.
The first response is often the familiar one.
The next response requires a little more thought.
And sometimes the response after that is where the real insight lives.
Silence isn’t empty space.
Sometimes it’s thinking space.
Leaders don’t always need to fill it.
Five Questions Worth Keeping Nearby
You don’t need fifty questions.
Start with five.
1. “Say more about that.”
An invitation to go deeper without directing where the conversation should go.
2. “What matters most about this?”
Helps someone separate the important from the urgent, noisy, or distracting.
3. “What are you noticing?”
Invites awareness and often surfaces something beneath the obvious problem.
4. “What options do you see?”
Moves someone toward possibility without giving them your solution.
5. “What else?”
Signals that you believe there may be more worth discovering.
None of these questions is particularly complicated.
That’s the point.
The power isn’t in the sophistication of the question.
It’s in the curiosity behind it.
Questions Worth Asking Yourself
Before your next leadership conversation, consider:
- Where am I giving answers before I’ve fully understood the problem?
- When do my questions contain the answer I want someone to give?
- Who might need me to listen rather than solve?
- Where have I made a judgment that deserves more curiosity?
- How comfortable am I with silence?
- What might I discover if I didn’t need to know?
From Knowing to Wondering
Leadership doesn’t require us to stop bringing expertise to the table.
Our experience matters.
Our judgment matters.
Sometimes people genuinely need our answer.
The shift is recognizing that having an answer doesn’t mean we always need to give it.
Sometimes our greatest contribution is what we know.
Sometimes it’s what we ask.
And sometimes it’s simply creating enough space for someone else to discover what they know.
First, stop needing to have all the answers.
Then start looking for the potential in others.
Finally, become curious enough to let them show you what they know.
That’s how we stop trying to be the smartest person in the room and start building a room full of smart people.
Lead with intention. The world is waiting.